Old Emails

So recently I emptied my old email account of all the old emails that I had stored up in there…all those having to do with my family. Not out of anger, but because I wanted to let go, to forgive, to start new. It is very hard to forgive when you have old and not so old emails stored that you can read over and get hurt and angry about over and over again.

Yes, I also saved them because they were precious to me, but I realized that the hurt far outweighed the benefits. Why leave something that has the possibility of opening old wounds, that hinder the way to forgiveness? If I want to live in forgiveness, there is no room for that. I remember enough as it is and have to battle that!

Forgiveness is starting with a clean slate. Without the shadow of what was said or not said before. Forgiveness is a daily thing, sometimes hourly or by the minute. Forgiveness is a battle. So why keep weapons that shoot ourselves in the heart? Especially with my children?

And forgiveness is given without being asked for it. Without going through all records. At least if we follow God’s example. Forgiveness opens the door to get hurt again, but then that is what love does and God is love. God does not hold on to the past of hurtful words. Otherwise none of us would make it. So I will practice “to practice” forgiveness on a continues basis. And for that I really do not look up correspondence that gets me all hot and bothered. It is easier not to carry all this baggage around.

Without new beginnings where would any of us be? The way for new beginnings was established on the cross for all eternity. It was established with unconditional love. I can at least TRY to model that. And believe me, I am far from perfection. But if I never take the first step, how will I ever arrive at a different destination? I know the road to unforgiveness and bitterness only too well. I do not want it. I do not want to be set in a certain way for the rest of my life, building up bitterness like rocks till it forms an unbreakable wall. I want to keep the wall down, rock by rock. And that means continously removing the rocks I can remove, where possible.

I cannot remove the rocks others build up, but that is God’s job. And God can do miracles. But not if we are not willing to work with him. The openness can hurt. Oh yes, it can. But so does the building of the wall. Much more. And it hardens our hearts untill we are all encapsuled by walls that close us in and leave us alone in the dark. And I do not want to be stuck in the dark. I want to have open spaces where light and air and wind can reach in and help me to change. Change towards God’s heart of love, not towards building and hardening walls.