HeavenBoundEarth

Author: HeavenBoundEarth

  • Who we are…a part of us

    Who we are…a part of us

    I needed the encouragement of somebody else’s post to start writing this:

    Who are we? Let’s start with myself…because that’s easier to write. Or maybe just because I think of myself first???

    I was born and raised in Germany. In a very, VERY fundamental Evangelical household. And very strict. The only permitted movies/shows were ‘The Walton’, ‘Little House in the Prairie’, and ‘Bonanza’. ‘The Waltons’ were so permitted that my mother walked out of an evening church service because the preacher talked too long and she did not want to miss ‘The Waltons’. But that’s a better memory than my mother walking proudly up to the front of that same church with her four girls in tow, to sit in the front row. Waiting, like everybody else a bit impationtly for the service to begin, which, contrary to typical German efficiency, started to run later and later. Finally one of the church’s leaders walked up to my mother and asked if her husband was planning to come. To which she replied that no, he was not planning to come because he was preaching that night in another church. It was a bit embarrassing when she was informed by that gentleman that my father was scheduled to preach in this church right here as well. I can’t remember what happened then, but I am sure we made it on time to ‘The Waltons’ that night.

    I saw my first movie in a theatre at 16 years old when my cousins secretly took me out. I’m not sure they’ve been forgiven for that yet. My first bar-visit and alcohol was in my twenties during my nursing studies when my class mates convinced me to go out with them.
    Their teachings included amongst others:
    No sex before/outside of marriage
    No divore
    Women do not preach (unless it is on the mission field where no men wanted to go.)
    No divorce
    No remarriage
    No alcohol, no smoking (unless it was hidden behind closed doors or in the backyard)
    God is a God of love but will send you to hell if you disobey just one little rule without repentance.

    In my twenties my entire family came to Canada. Here I married my ex-husband: Chinese and the pastor of a strict Evangelical church. Though far less strict than my parents. After 19 years of marriage I managed to secretly leave him and to marry again a few years after, “sins” which to this day steep me in deep sin and condemn me to hell. I am still paying for this with no contact with my children and my family, unless I repent to them, my family, my ex (probably should have put him first), and my former church. My children themselves were trained to believe this so deeply that “I cannot invite you to my wedding because I will risk loosing my entire family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) if you come.”

    I still do believe that my new (almost 10 years now) husband is to blame for this, because I am convinced if he were a son of Billy Graham the scenario would be different. But alas, he is not! Not at all! Not even close.

    Enter the husband: He is not German, not white (not that that bad as the Chinese ex proved, but at least that one was/is a minister), but worst of all, he is not a strict Evangelical Christian. So, like me, he is on his way to hell…at least we are going together. Mind you, he has a very firm believe in Jesus, but he did not come to know him the traditional Evangelical way: The Sinner’s Prayer and baptism, but his own, very personal way, a way much more profound than the Sinner’s Prayer. Not only that but my husband is a deeply traditional Cree, a pipe carrier, sweatlodge holder and participant in other, deeply sacred ceremonies.

    One of my sons asked me one time if my husband believes in God. I do not understand everything having to do with Native beliefs, but I do understand that to ask most Natives if they believe in God is to ask them if they are Native American. So I told my son that yes, he does. But what does he call Him. I answered: God, the Father, the Creator. The exact same words I use when I pray. My son asks back if it is the SAME God though. Maybe I should have been more concerned with my son’s spiritual journey at this point and asked him how many Gods he thought there were because, of course HE was/is the SAME GOD. My son has refused to talk to me since the year that conversation took place.

    My husband, his parents, his grandparents is/are all survivors of the residential schools with all the physical, sexual, mental and spiritual abuses that involved. Not just in the schools, but because of that in the homes. A horror that most white people do not want to believe. Because to believe it is the stuff that gives you nightmares. Only this was (and in many families still is) reality. My husband saw and experienced horrible abuse. There are other abuses/derogatory experiences that are ongoing for him as a Native in a predominantly white society. Like being walked out of a major store after paying for his purchases while he was waiting for me to finish paying for mine. Or being yelled at for damaging a white woman’s car he hadn’t even touched till she quickly shut up when I walked around the corner. Or being stopped in the rez in the morning by the police and sharply asked if he had been drinking (he hadn’t been drinking a drop of alcohol for more years than that officer was alive), or the murder of two Native (Metis) hunters on legal territory by two white men living in the neighborhood. Or the memory of his uncle freezing to death after having been given the “Starlight Tour” by the local RCMP, (google it, though they happened in more locations than the one mentioned), and so much more. There are so many wounds and scars he has to struggle with and yet he is a truly courageous and honorable man.

    Our “different” spirituality used to cause a lot of problems between my husband and myself. I put “different” because the more I learned, the more I understood how much we had in common. If we change the traditional Christian words and meanings that Jesus never used or said, the more we realize we believe the same.

    Sin? The Hebrew original for the English word sin is actually much closer to the Cree words for sin, in the sense of missing the mark, taking the wrong way’.

    Taking the red road means doing and behaving the same way Jesus told us to and the teachings about the red road predate the appearance of the white men.

    Hell? No, traditional Cree do not believe in hell. Neither did Jesus. He never mentioned hell. What is translated as hell is an actual place that really existed outside the city of Jerusalem: A place where garbage and refuse were burned. Nor does the mention of the ‘everlasting fire’ talk about hell. Read the context. But more about that in another blog. Nor did the early church believe in hell. That teaching did not become an official part of church doctrine till centuries after Jesus’ death through primarily St. Augustine and had a lot to do with financial and political advantages for the church and the later Holy Roman Empire under Charlemagne. Actually, one should not study the history of Christian dogma without studying the political history of Europe at the same time. They go hand in hand. It is a lot easier to control an Empire if it is under the same religion as that Emporer. And even more, if that Empire and official religion promises hellfire and brimstone if you don’t follow its rules, pay monies to be forgiven, etc., or serve them with hellfire right here on earth by burning the ‘disobedient’ at the stake. A tradition followed by not just the Catholics, but Protestants as well. For example, John Calvin, a still widely followed reformist who killed ‘antagonists’ by slowly burning them at the stake. This brutality (amongst other brutalities) by the Christian church to prove the existence of a merciful God started in the 1100s and lasted into the 1800s. So in more than one way the church did not only veer away from the truth of Jesus’ teachings about love and peace and created its own hell.

    In light of all this and more, it should not be a problem for us to honestly question what we have been taught and search for the truth. It what we have been taught is the truth, questioning it cannot destroy it. But if some of it was a lie, questioning it can be life changing. And that is what it proved to be for me. Creator God and Jesus are far greater than any cultural or religious box we put Him in. Learning this was eye-opening for my husband and myself, especially myself. Though easy it was not.

    This is part of who we are and are becoming so far on our way to meet the Creator. And I sure hope we will never stop learning and enriching each other.

  • Thoughts on Divorce

    Thoughts on Divorce

    “Recognize the significance of the biblical language for proper interpretation…accustom yourself to the notion that there is a linguistic and cultural distance that separates us from the biblical text. While this distance should not be exaggererated, beware of reading into the Bible ideas that can be supported only from the English translation…Do place priority on the attested and contemporary usage of words…writers depend on the way language is actually used in their time.”
    Kaiser, Introduction to Biblical Hermeneutics: The Search for Meaning, 2007., p. 63-64

    And such is the case with the word “DIVORCE”. It makes me angry that people who go out of their way to study the original languages (Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic) of the scriptures, make so little effort to dig deeper and use their knowledge. Instead the same old “truths” get taught over and over again.

    Here are the two different Hebrew words that both are translated with divorce:

    “Legally divorce” vs. “Put Away”

    First, there is the Greek word apostasion, meaning “to divorce”, specifically “to divorce in writing”. In other words, making it official for both the man and the woman!

    “”Bill of Divorcement”: A formal written certificate confirming the legal end of a marriage contract (“GET”) releasing a woman from the ownership of her husband. This includes the amount agreed upon in advance, as written in the Ketubah, due to the woman in the event of a divorce. This is the closest term to modern English “divorce.” Hebrew: “”SEFER KERITUT”/Greek: “apostasion”” (1)

    Second, the Greek word apoluo, which is more properly translated as ‘separation’, but is mostly translated as “to release or to put away”. But our translators use these words interchangeably and interpret both of them as divorce, when talking about the subject of divorce.

    “Put Away”: The physical removalof someone. In the onctext of divorce, this would be of the spouse, usually the wife, and usually in a public way. Some English translations of the Bible incorrectly translate the term “put away” as “divorce”.
    Hebrew: “SHALACH” OR “GARASH”/ Greek: “apoluo””(1). The wife then becomes an “Agunah”: A Jewish term for a wife being put away by her husband without a legal bill of divorce. This issue has sparked significant disputes in Jadaism for thousands of years while remaining largely unknown to most Christiams. It was a contentious topic that led to debates between Jesus and religious Jews.”

    When these words are translated appropriately according to their original meaning, a different teaching emerges, especially combined with historical background.

    In the ancient middle East, from before Moses till past Jesus’ time, men had the right to “put away their wives” for no or any reasons, without officially divorcing them. They could just say “I don’t like the way you cooked the sheep. Leave!” And that was it. She becomes an Agunah. A woman still legally married to her husband, but living separated from him with no rights or legal resources.

    Now, the men, as in most cultures, had all the rights and could remarry again without getting officially divorced. The women, on the other hand, could not. And as women had no chance to work or support themselves other than being supported by their family or husband, a woman who had been “put away” (apoluo) had only one way to support herself: Prostitution. Or, as it was also called: By committing adultery. The newly remarried man, though, was not considered an adulterer. This was of hight advantage for the husband because if they only “put away” their wives, they did not have to return the dowry. The dowry, of course, was of ongoing advantage for the husband. It does not take a business person to figure this out.

    For the woman who was only “put away” without given a proper divorce certificate (apostasion), there was no chance for remarriage. Only prostitution and adultery, unless her parents took her back without receiving back the dowry they had paid for her.

    This is where the Old Testament shows one of the facets of its progressive views on Women’s Rights:

    “…he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife… (Deut. 24:1-4). So obviously divorce was not forbidden in the Old Testament, but God gave a rule to protect women! Obviously not a rule that was studiously kept by the men.”

    And the religious leaders knew that, especially the Pharisees when they came to Jesus with the question: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” (Matth.19) The Greek word used here is not apostasion (divorce), but apoluo, (to put away). So the Pharisees are really asking: “Is it lawful for a man to put away (stay married, but separate from her) his wife for any reason?”

    Jesus answers them that it was not okay, that this was not okay with God at all. That in the beginning God’s plans for marriage, as for everything else, were perfect. So now they ask why then God commanded them to use a certificate of divorce. Here using the actual Greek word for an official divorce (apostasion). Jesus tells them because their hearts are hard, talking to the Pharisees, who followed the Rabbinical School of Hillel, which allowed the putting away of wives for any reasons at all, contrary to the more conservative Rabbinical Shamai school, which only advocated divorce or putting away for serious offences.

    And Jesus calls the Pharisees hard-heartened for having the attitude of just putting their wives away for no real reason, leaving them no options but to committ adultery, in most cases.

    And then comes Jesus ‘hammer’ blow for the male culture of his day, in Matth. 19: “Whoever puts away (Greek word: apoluo) his wife and marries another commits adultery.” In other words: “Not only are the wives still officially married to those men, since they have been only put away, but those men themselves are still officially married and committing adultery when they themselves remarry.

    Wow, I bet that became one of the first points on the Pharisees’ list for doing away with Jesus. It was even too much to handle for his disciples. “If that’s how it is, than it is better not to marry”.

    Yes, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but he also hates a host of other things (Provers 6: 6-19)

    “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers (sisters)”

    Interesting, isn’t it? A divorcee and remarried person is shunned in the church, family, etc., but a liar, murderer, etc. is okay.

    Yes, God hates divorce, and rightly so. But he did not forbid it under all and every circumstances:
    “I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce alnd sent her away because of all her adulteries…” (Jer.3:8)
    “Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband.” (Hosea 2:20)

    Here is an interesting point from the law of Moses: “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he (1.) writes her a certificate of divorce, (2.) gives it to her and (3.) sends her from his house, (points 1 to 3 stating to legitimate steps for divorce)and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, (nothing about anyone committing adultery here) … the only forbidden thing mentioned is for the first husband to remarry her if she gets divorced again! That would be “detestable” to God.

    “Consider this scenario: An Israelite husband, acting cruelly towards his wife, drives her into the arms of another man. In a punitive response, he withholds the bill of divorce, trapping her in a state of Agunah (anchored or chained) and preventing her from moving on legally. Overwhelmed by bitterness and frustration, she defies her marital bonds and chooses to marry her new love regardless. In this complete tapestry of actions and reactions, who is primarily responsible for the ensuing adultery? Such dilemmas have been central to Jewish theological discourse for more than three millennia, engaging even figures like Jesus, the Pharisees, and the teachers of the Law. Christianity often disregards this complex interation between personl autonomy, religious law, and moral ethics.” (1)

    The Old and New Testament both have two primary words for “marital actions regarding divorce”(1). The English word divorce is used for both Hebrew words: BILL OF DIVORCEMENT and PUT AWAY: Bill of divorcement is the formal divorce with a piece of paper, releasing the wife oficially from the husband’s ownership. PUT AWAY means the physical removal of someone, usually the wife. The problem is that many translations use the two words interchangeably (NIV). But “put away” is not mean the modern day concept of divorce and should not be translated as such.

    “It was a great advantage for a woman to have a certificate stating that her former husband relinquished any right to her, and allowed for her to marry any man. Without it, she would have great difficulty finding a second husband if she was abandoned or dismissed from her home by her first husband. “(1) A wife who was simply “put away” (send away for any reason without the bill of divorcement) became an “Agunah”. Still legally married to her husband, but no longer staying with him or being taken care of by him. And for women of that time that usually meant prostitution of death. This is still a modern day problem as well. For reference google the name “Agunah Tamar Epstein”.

    Here are two translations of the same verse, Mark 10:11

    Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery (NIV)

    Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery.
    (KJV)

    Here, as in other NT verses the the Greek word apoluo (put away) is used, but as in other instances is translated as divorce in some translations.

    Church fathers, among them Calvin and Luther , often overlooked the Jewish context of Jesus’ teachings, which led to incorrect interpretations. And more than that, untold heartache for many. The judgement fundamentalist Christians put on divorcees, remarried or not, is often unbearable, condemning the concerned people to hell. Do we have the right to play God? Do we have the right to heap the untold hurt of our condemnation on people who already suffer unmentionable hurt and have done so for a long time? Divorce is never an easy step. Never. Neither is remarriage. So do we have the right to put ourselves in the place of God claiming this judgement without using the God-given gift of discernment? Do we ever ask ourselves if this is really what God is saying?

    Thoughts and quotes are taken from the books by

    Frank Friedmann: DIVORCE. COULD WE HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT JESUS SAID?

    Eitan Bar: WHAT THE BIBLE ACTUALLY TEACHES ABOUT DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE

  • New Diagnosis

    New Diagnosis

    So, it is official. Or as official as it will ever get for me: I am on the Autism Spectrum (Asberger’s Syndrome). No, that the kind that you see on TV, like the ‘Good Doctor’ (is that what it is called?) or the sitcom with ‘Sheldon’, or whatever. But the good old high or not so high functioning, high-masking autism that so often goes/did go undiagnosed, especially for females.

    I am still learning about it, still need to sit with it, learn to understand myself better. But so many things make sense now. It is eye-opening. It is like your brain sees everything and expresses everything through a different lense, but you do not know. And other people do not know. It is amazing. Now I understand Joseph’s frustrations with me at times. It is not that he is bad or I am bad, inattentive, slow, overly sensitive, etc., etc. There are many things my brain processes differently than ‘normal’ people and that can cause friction. For myself and between others.

    It does not negate my diagnosis of PTSD. Not at all. But PTSD is very often a co-factor of autism and amplifies the symptoms. Studies show that 90% of autistic women experience sexual abuse.

    Also, a lot of people get misdiagnosed with other mental illnesses like Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc. Certain of these members of my family have ‘diagnosed’ me as, never a doctor though. The only diagnosis I received by a doctor (psychiatrist) are anxiety, PTSD, and Autism, to the point of prescribing medication for Autism specifically. And it makes so much sense now.

    Autism is also highly hereditary. It runs in families. And that in itself was very revealing. Again, so much makes sense now. I know of family members who are officially diagnosed and others who fit the criteria perfectly. If only we would have known. How much heartache could have been avoided or at least helped.

    Mental illness is as real as any other physical illness, but so little recognized or accepted. The brain is an organ, easily influenced by hormones, electrical impulses, neurological pathways, etc. And so many physical ailments influence neurological functioning. An easy one to mention is diabetes, or even just a sugar high or sugar low. Don’t believe me? Take a child and fill it up with sugary stuff and then yell at it for bouncing of the walls. Who should be blamed: The child for being ‘bad’ or the adult or being ‘stupid’? Having been one of those adults I have to admit that I gave myself the proverbial kick more than ones when having the grandchildren stay over. This might just be an easy example, but it works. It’s like my doctor (GP) explained to me when I felt bad, guilty for taking medication for my ‘handicap’ and considered going off them: “No, it is what your body needs. If you were diabetic and your body would not produce enough insulin, you would not consider stopping your insulin. It is the same with the brain. There are things that the brain will need help with and sometimes we can give it. Even if the side effects are often not the easiest to handle.

    I am not saying to excuse all behavior and blame it on an illness of the brain, to take away all accountability, but learn to understand yourself and others. I will talk about that more in other posts. But take the medications you are supposed to take and adjust your life according to your ‘handicap’. Take my former brother-in-law, for example, my ex-husband’s older brother. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia by a doctor who did not know much about mental illnesses and given medication, but the wrong kind. It did not help his schizophrenia at all. The language barrier had to do a lot to do with it do, as S. does hardly speak any English (or none, as was thought). During the first few years of our marriage, S. would not relate to me at all, or our children, would not even eat anything prepared by me because he thought I was trying to poison him. The house was always dark when we would come to visit, because S. could not handle the light and would unscrew the lightbulbs all the time, and other things. But those were the most outstanding for me. Then, one time when we arrived, the house was all lit up. S. would start interacting with the babies, which really touched my heart. He would even respond to me. Then the family would bring him around to our place and I saw him reading the baby books we had lying around. It was such a total switch. It turned out that a young doctor who spoke S.’s Chinese dialect had made a house visit and was able to diagnose S. and prescribe approbriate medication. It was such a big change.

    So, medications can make a real positive difference for mental illness, but they do not exclude responsibility. That is one of the reasons I am sitting at home right now writing this instead of accompanying my husband on a days long trip we had planned to go on. Just like with physical problems there are certain things you might never be able to do (again). It is just the way it is. Protect yourself and protect others. It is not easy, for you or others, but that is life. And it is a learning process. But you can’t learn what you do not know. Like the person in the movie “A beautiful Mind”. I love that movie. Have loved it for years. Because I have so much admiration for the strength and courage of the Nobel prize winner John Forbes Nash Jr. Now, I do not hear voices or think I am in places I am not in, but I do know how hard it is to fight against your own brain, be it even just overwhelming negative thoughts or depression, etc. But this man was able to study and work in spite of his Schizophrenia! The mental effort and battle it must have cost him. The constant vigilance. Watch the movie or read up on him. It is fascinating. These are the kind of human beings who really impress me. Not those that are always nice, ‘normal’, etc. But those that do have problems and overcome overwhelming odds

  • Old Emails

    Old Emails

    So recently I emptied my old email account of all the old emails that I had stored up in there…all those having to do with my family. Not out of anger, but because I wanted to let go, to forgive, to start new. It is very hard to forgive when you have old and not so old emails stored that you can read over and get hurt and angry about over and over again.

    Yes, I also saved them because they were precious to me, but I realized that the hurt far outweighed the benefits. Why leave something that has the possibility of opening old wounds, that hinder the way to forgiveness? If I want to live in forgiveness, there is no room for that. I remember enough as it is and have to battle that!

    Forgiveness is starting with a clean slate. Without the shadow of what was said or not said before. Forgiveness is a daily thing, sometimes hourly or by the minute. Forgiveness is a battle. So why keep weapons that shoot ourselves in the heart? Especially with my children?

    And forgiveness is given without being asked for it. Without going through all records. At least if we follow God’s example. Forgiveness opens the door to get hurt again, but then that is what love does and God is love. God does not hold on to the past of hurtful words. Otherwise none of us would make it. So I will practice “to practice” forgiveness on a continues basis. And for that I really do not look up correspondence that gets me all hot and bothered. It is easier not to carry all this baggage around.

    Without new beginnings where would any of us be? The way for new beginnings was established on the cross for all eternity. It was established with unconditional love. I can at least TRY to model that. And believe me, I am far from perfection. But if I never take the first step, how will I ever arrive at a different destination? I know the road to unforgiveness and bitterness only too well. I do not want it. I do not want to be set in a certain way for the rest of my life, building up bitterness like rocks till it forms an unbreakable wall. I want to keep the wall down, rock by rock. And that means continously removing the rocks I can remove, where possible.

    I cannot remove the rocks others build up, but that is God’s job. And God can do miracles. But not if we are not willing to work with him. The openness can hurt. Oh yes, it can. But so does the building of the wall. Much more. And it hardens our hearts untill we are all encapsuled by walls that close us in and leave us alone in the dark. And I do not want to be stuck in the dark. I want to have open spaces where light and air and wind can reach in and help me to change. Change towards God’s heart of love, not towards building and hardening walls.

  • Grief

    Grief

    Grief is unpredictable, it is wild
    Walking down the narrow pathway between the walls of the canyon, closing me in on each side. It is dark, so dark. Only a little light breaks down the darkness between the canyon walls, filtering down from the partial moon far a above. The wind blows shifts of clouds across the splinter of the moon, making the darkness even more prounced as it shifts and waves deep down in the canyon.
    But I can’t feel the wind here, enclosed by walls. Not even a breeze. I do not know if that is good or bad. I miss the wind’s soft caress touching my face like a beloved’s hand of comfort. And I miss the howling violence of the wind that seems to scream out my pain, makes me feel like I am tossed in turbulent waves. Just like my heart feels right now. When I can’t scream, the wind screams for me. When I can’t feel God, the wind brings him close, like the feel of a loving hand on my face.
    But then, the wind can also wildly attack like the grief I am fealing right now, tossing and turning me in its power till I cannot take it anymore. So maybe it is better that right here deep down in the canyon I cannot feel the wind, only see its effect in the flittering light of the moon.
    Deeper and deeper I go, following the desire to find a place to hide, out of sight. A little hole to curl up in till the grief in me dies down once more.
    And in the silence I will notice the flower growing. Tiny and wispy, but oh so strong. With a warm yellow color that glows in the dark. Warm and comforting like the wind’s soft touch on my cheek. It grows and blooms but stays just small. One tiny flower in all the darkness. It glows and warms my heart. It speaks without saying a word. It speaks of hope. Tiny, soft, far away hope. A hope for eternity. I watch it glow and sit with it. Quitly letting its glow seep into my heart, let its glimmer fill it out and let it quiet my mind. Because just that glimmer of hope is enough.
    I do not pick that tiny flower. Its gentle glow would fade up in the daylight. I will leave it and carry its glow in my heart back up through the canyon walls. Some precious things only live in the darkness of pain.
    Because just knowing that this tiny flower deep down in the darkness of the canyon continues to shimmer gives me sustance to face the reality of the grief once more.

  • Thrown Off!

    Thrown Off!

    Thrown off by a little thing without meaning
    plans changed
    Took me all day yesterday to mentally prepare
    myself for
    a day under the glaring sun
    wind blowing from all directions
    without protection
    Unknown noises, voices
    me pretending to be normal
    smiling to be polite
    forcing myself to make eye contact
    too much?
    too little?
    I don’t know
    They’re waiting behind us
    Are they getting impatient?
    They want to talk,
    I have nothing to say, just want to be left alone
    I’m so nervous.
    All day…
    All night…
    All morning…
    I mentally prepared myself
    ONE phonecall…
    plans are changed.

    I am in turmoil
    mental and emotional
    serious turmoil.
    I feel like someone
    who has spent
    weeks preparing
    working hard
    for an extraordinary event
    Just to have it canceled by something unimportant
    I want to cry, to scream
    Don’t I matter?
    Now, it will take me another
    Day to get ‘normal’ again
    recouperate from all my ‘hard work’
    for nothing.
    Another day wasted.

    No, it was nothing special. No big trip or exciting big event. Just me watching my husband play golf…for the first time. He had to change plans for something, he found out later, totally unnecessary. It really is no big deal. Totally normal. Just not for someone for whom it takes enormous mental and emotional effort and preparation to go out among people. I do feel like I packed a thousand suitcases. Prepared a thousand snacks, all for nothing. And now I am left with the full ‘luggage’ that I now I have to unpack again and put in their proper places. I feel out of place and disoriented. I am supposed to be somewhere, but I am not. My mind has trouble ‘catching up’ to that.

    And yet, this is how my brain is working, has always worked. And it is exhausting…all over a little thing!