So, it is official. Or as official as it will ever get for me: I am on the Autism Spectrum (Asberger’s Syndrome). No, that the kind that you see on TV, like the ‘Good Doctor’ (is that what it is called?) or the sitcom with ‘Sheldon’, or whatever. But the good old high or not so high functioning, high-masking autism that so often goes/did go undiagnosed, especially for females.
I am still learning about it, still need to sit with it, learn to understand myself better. But so many things make sense now. It is eye-opening. It is like your brain sees everything and expresses everything through a different lense, but you do not know. And other people do not know. It is amazing. Now I understand Joseph’s frustrations with me at times. It is not that he is bad or I am bad, inattentive, slow, overly sensitive, etc., etc. There are many things my brain processes differently than ‘normal’ people and that can cause friction. For myself and between others.
It does not negate my diagnosis of PTSD. Not at all. But PTSD is very often a co-factor of autism and amplifies the symptoms. Studies show that 90% of autistic women experience sexual abuse.
Also, a lot of people get misdiagnosed with other mental illnesses like Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc. Certain of these members of my family have ‘diagnosed’ me as, never a doctor though. The only diagnosis I received by a doctor (psychiatrist) are anxiety, PTSD, and Autism, to the point of prescribing medication for Autism specifically. And it makes so much sense now.
Autism is also highly hereditary. It runs in families. And that in itself was very revealing. Again, so much makes sense now. I know of family members who are officially diagnosed and others who fit the criteria perfectly. If only we would have known. How much heartache could have been avoided or at least helped.
Mental illness is as real as any other physical illness, but so little recognized or accepted. The brain is an organ, easily influenced by hormones, electrical impulses, neurological pathways, etc. And so many physical ailments influence neurological functioning. An easy one to mention is diabetes, or even just a sugar high or sugar low. Don’t believe me? Take a child and fill it up with sugary stuff and then yell at it for bouncing of the walls. Who should be blamed: The child for being ‘bad’ or the adult or being ‘stupid’? Having been one of those adults I have to admit that I gave myself the proverbial kick more than ones when having the grandchildren stay over. This might just be an easy example, but it works. It’s like my doctor (GP) explained to me when I felt bad, guilty for taking medication for my ‘handicap’ and considered going off them: “No, it is what your body needs. If you were diabetic and your body would not produce enough insulin, you would not consider stopping your insulin. It is the same with the brain. There are things that the brain will need help with and sometimes we can give it. Even if the side effects are often not the easiest to handle.
I am not saying to excuse all behavior and blame it on an illness of the brain, to take away all accountability, but learn to understand yourself and others. I will talk about that more in other posts. But take the medications you are supposed to take and adjust your life according to your ‘handicap’. Take my former brother-in-law, for example, my ex-husband’s older brother. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia by a doctor who did not know much about mental illnesses and given medication, but the wrong kind. It did not help his schizophrenia at all. The language barrier had to do a lot to do with it do, as S. does hardly speak any English (or none, as was thought). During the first few years of our marriage, S. would not relate to me at all, or our children, would not even eat anything prepared by me because he thought I was trying to poison him. The house was always dark when we would come to visit, because S. could not handle the light and would unscrew the lightbulbs all the time, and other things. But those were the most outstanding for me. Then, one time when we arrived, the house was all lit up. S. would start interacting with the babies, which really touched my heart. He would even respond to me. Then the family would bring him around to our place and I saw him reading the baby books we had lying around. It was such a total switch. It turned out that a young doctor who spoke S.’s Chinese dialect had made a house visit and was able to diagnose S. and prescribe approbriate medication. It was such a big change.
So, medications can make a real positive difference for mental illness, but they do not exclude responsibility. That is one of the reasons I am sitting at home right now writing this instead of accompanying my husband on a days long trip we had planned to go on. Just like with physical problems there are certain things you might never be able to do (again). It is just the way it is. Protect yourself and protect others. It is not easy, for you or others, but that is life. And it is a learning process. But you can’t learn what you do not know. Like the person in the movie “A beautiful Mind”. I love that movie. Have loved it for years. Because I have so much admiration for the strength and courage of the Nobel prize winner John Forbes Nash Jr. Now, I do not hear voices or think I am in places I am not in, but I do know how hard it is to fight against your own brain, be it even just overwhelming negative thoughts or depression, etc. But this man was able to study and work in spite of his Schizophrenia! The mental effort and battle it must have cost him. The constant vigilance. Watch the movie or read up on him. It is fascinating. These are the kind of human beings who really impress me. Not those that are always nice, ‘normal’, etc. But those that do have problems and overcome overwhelming odds
HeavenBoundEarth 